I trusted them to give me the tools I needed to survive, and they told me to focus on passions and love, and right then, my depression had dulled out everything but christian, so I focused on him. Over the course of my illness, it developed into a dependance for survival, and now that he’s gone, I dont know what the fuck to focus on. This isn’t fair. I trusted the to save me, but their advice robbed me of everything.
we are back together, but i fear he no longer trusts me
I know that a week is not a long time, but I’ve been thinking constantly.
I’m to the point now where I know that this happiness isnt just a rise before a fall. I am better. The thing is, I’ve been surrounded by really supportive people right now, two of whom are becoming flirtatious and I need to be honest with you while it’s still just shallow feelings and not anything deeper.
I have reached the point where I am starting to become convinced that these people are the reason that I’m happy right now. It has nothing to do with the lack of you, and if im being realistic, its probably just the fact that i am emotionally recovered with the medicine finally kicking in. Regardless, this has become the common thought in my head and today I know that you and I have met at another crossroads in our relationship. There are now 2 options, and the choice is yours.
1) If this break is to continue any longer, I think we need to go our separate ways. I love you and always will, but these thoughts are consuming me and I can’t go on without any proof otherwise.
2) We need to try again now. If I have the chance to be in your arms again, I am confident that these outside feelings will go away. I just need the chance to see if I’m happy because I’m truly better, or if it’s because we are apart.
I don’t doubt us. I just can’t bear this break any longer.
A: you fill my chest with flies
B: these moths all rumble around
A: you were so sly, you tried
B: to hide what was found
A: just tell me im a thief for taking
B: and maybe i’ll hold you tonight
A: ‘cause you stopped this heart from breaking
B: you know it’ll be alright
when im happy about right now, i feel so greedy, but when im sad, i feel like im not making the best of my circumstances. what do i do?
please just tell me it’s over for good so I can stop hoping and kill myself already. the terms of “a break to learn to be happy” is literally torture to me. Today has been the longest day I’ve ever experienced. I think it’s the lack of hope that’s made it so slow. More than sad, I’m bored and everything is so obsurd, like there’s no point to it at all.
I’m dying to go back to yesterday, we didn’t even speak, but the hope of seeing you gave me purpose. I could sleep soundly knowing everything had an order. Sure I was sad - im always sad - but you kept me out of harms way and far, far, far away from madness. Now it’s all so close. I can taste it. Did you know that if I didn’t keep falling from the clonodine, I would have jumped off of that bridge you left me on.
Together it’s a dull, bearable haze of sadness. Alone, I am consumed by lethal thoughts. I literally see no purpose. I’m currently waiting on your call, and you don’t know it yet, but here’s where I decide whether to keep going. Are you going to snuff my hope and ease my suffering, or brighten me up and drag it out.
Whatever you choose, whatever I do, I love you.
we talk now and my head just fills with static and I start to cry because I know my words and my feelings will never be as thought through as his and that makes me feel so powerless. All I want is to be with him and I can’t and it hurts.
He says he still loves me and that its just a break, but that seems so heartless to me. The fact that in the instance that I need him the most, he thinks it would be good to duck out. How can I begin to have hope or improve. My only beacon of hope was that I had him and that’s gone. I Feel so empty and that is it.
love of my life takes my hand.
love of my life leads me to a bridge.
love of my life shatters my progress.
love of my life robs me of my final security.
I worry that if he’s not here through the recovery, he wont be able to stick out any issue we face. I want us to have a reason to hope, not just me and not just him. I was so close, and now I’ve lost my footing and relapsed, and now it’s going to be even harder because I have to do it alone.
I feel so hopeless right this moment. I began a phone conversation with Christian all bubbly and goofy and he told me that I was being weird and that he was going to go. I was actually happy and carefree for a second there, which is something that is very rare for me these days, and when he brought it to my attention as if it was something that he didn’t prefer, I instantly became self-conscious about it.
I became self-conscious about my carefree happiness.
Now I’m breaking down. I have no hope to be happy. My happiness is wrong, and thats not fair. It’s not fair that when I’m sad, it’s me making too big a deal out of something that was originally so small (in his eyes). I have no emotions to turn to with him. I just have to be mellow and supportive and then leave. I don’t think he understands how vacant it makes me feel that my emotions are so real to me, but that they are bullshit that he wants as little to do with as possible. I know they aren’t always accurate to reality or wise, but they are 100% where I am at that second, and every time he pushes away from that, it becomes crystal clear that he’s not where I’m at in any way.
At that moment, we are apart, and that scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to be alone right now. I want to be with him; he makes me feel so safe when we’re together. But when he declares my emotions as anything but completely valid, I am lying in that bed alone. Which isn’t reality, but it’s how I feel, and even recognizing that that’s how I feel makes me so very sad.
Tonight isn’t that bad, I just needed to find a way to articulate that, and tonight’s events paved the way for me to do that.
I found out today that Aaron is getting a new camera. He’s still pulled in 0 income with his photography and he’s buying a new camera. I am so angry. I just keep losing respect. He takes and takes. He smokes and makes me cough. My mother’s blind support makes me so sad. She needs to stop. There wont be anything left for me. I know it’s selfish, but since he came, I’ve felt so robbed, and he hasn’t done the littlest thing to ease that feeling. He just basks in the gifts and yells at us. I’m so upset. My mother works 2 jobs. She has for months now. How dare he?
My chest feels tight. I feel a bit of relief since I was able to accurately articulate my emotions. But the problem’s not gone.