where do you put the paranoia? Do you tuck it away in a steel box, far out of sight?
People keep telling me that its not easy, but all I need to do is not listen to the bad thoughts. But here’s the thing: it’s the idea that the thoughts are already that there had me done for. A moment of irrational thought or fear creeps in and all it takes is a split second or recognization that it’s happening and I don’t even know how to carry on.
I’ve dealt with a shit-ton of pain and struggle lately, some self-inflicted and some caused by the world and therefore out of my control. The thing is, I just had a major epiphany about it all:
I reached out, desperately, to everyone around me. When I was scared, I didn’t choose sides; I blindly scrambled for anyone that would lend a loving hand. I was replied with two things, one nasty and one beautiful:
irritation, apathy, and disgust for my attachment to my “illness” as the cause for my suffering
adoration and open arms
I sought out everyone equally and afterwards, made an informed decision. I chose love.
Now, I’m sick of all the shame that I’m getting for making this choice. Although it does burn more, I will not make a decision based on a healthy past if the present eludes to a future of toxic relationships. I miss the friends I used to hold close, but that doesn’t cause me to regret my decision. I am allowed to ask for happiness and take it from whomever gives it to me.
its been nearly 2 months since i last cut. the word is still clear and read-able and summer is fast approaching, but thats okay. im getting better and that’s what is important.
I should never talk about my sexual abuse when there are women out there getting hardcore raped by strangers. I was talking dirty in my underwear with the boy I loved most. Any violation was just me getting what was coming to me.
A letter to common pond scum
everyone says im scum because you tell them i am, but if they knew how you pinned me down for teasing you. if they knew that you ignored my kicking and yelling.
"it’s not rape because im you’re boyfriend"
"it’s not rape because we love each other"
"it’s not rape because you were being a tease"
"it’s not rape because i didnt intend to go in at first"
"it’s not rape because i thought you wanted it"
you fucking waste of space, how much do i need to cry before you get that i didn’t want it. i trusted you. i did love you. i do love you. i teased you and im sorry. but take some fucking responsibility. I would never call you a rapist, darling. but i wouldn’t dare to hesitate in saying that you are the one who truly broke me.
It’s no wonder I had a fucking breakdown. I started dating you and you were…you were perfect. So patient and respectful and kind. I used my head when I started dating you. I thought I was safe. But no one is ever safe. You taught me that I will never be safe.
Love me, fuck me, break me, leave me. Whatever.
my best friend called me a whorish today. i’ve never believed that about myself, but she’s not the first to say it recently. and i did let him touch me, but she doesn’t even know about that. nobody does. oh god, what am i?
I trusted them to give me the tools I needed to survive, and they told me to focus on passions and love, and right then, my depression had dulled out everything but christian, so I focused on him. Over the course of my illness, it developed into a dependance for survival, and now that he’s gone, I dont know what the fuck to focus on. This isn’t fair. I trusted the to save me, but their advice robbed me of everything.
we are back together, but i fear he no longer trusts me
I know that a week is not a long time, but I’ve been thinking constantly.
I’m to the point now where I know that this happiness isnt just a rise before a fall. I am better. The thing is, I’ve been surrounded by really supportive people right now, two of whom are becoming flirtatious and I need to be honest with you while it’s still just shallow feelings and not anything deeper.
I have reached the point where I am starting to become convinced that these people are the reason that I’m happy right now. It has nothing to do with the lack of you, and if im being realistic, its probably just the fact that i am emotionally recovered with the medicine finally kicking in. Regardless, this has become the common thought in my head and today I know that you and I have met at another crossroads in our relationship. There are now 2 options, and the choice is yours.
1) If this break is to continue any longer, I think we need to go our separate ways. I love you and always will, but these thoughts are consuming me and I can’t go on without any proof otherwise.
2) We need to try again now. If I have the chance to be in your arms again, I am confident that these outside feelings will go away. I just need the chance to see if I’m happy because I’m truly better, or if it’s because we are apart.
I don’t doubt us. I just can’t bear this break any longer.